God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
