i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
