My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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