I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
After last night, I could never be a politician.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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