you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
