Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
