I have demons in me.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
