Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
