paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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