Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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