No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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