Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
