About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
