Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
