hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
