Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
