This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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