he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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