she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
