At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize