You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
