Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
