this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
