I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
