The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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