P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
