i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
