I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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