Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love you. Go after that dick
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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