He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
