Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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