By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
