between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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