Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
organizing the empties. That sober.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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