Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize