im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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