If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
