Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
