The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
