his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
