So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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