i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
