I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
