I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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