So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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