the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
