she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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