Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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