I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
