the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
