It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
