Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
