saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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