so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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