Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
