that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
