Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
