omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
