Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
